Monday, May 14, 2012

My {Depression}....

Depression. Such an ugly scary word. Especially to admit to it. Ive dealt with a few people who have depression. And from an outside view, its hard to grasp WHY they are sad and HOW they can see themselves in such a negative way ect. To a non depressed person, you see a beautiful talented person with so many things to be happy for, but to that person, they see a sad, ugly person, who cant seem to find things that make them happy.

This pregnancy, from the beginning, i have been WAY over emotional. Ive blogged about it a few times. But this last month it got BAD. I dont really know if i had LEGIT depression (my appointment is on Friday). But i just kept blaming the pregnancy (i still do). Before i get into explaining this dark time... let me just point out that i am doing MUCH better. Actually... i was like never sad this last week. So it makes me think even more that it was just INTENSE pregnancy hormones.
BUT it gave me a glimpse at what depression feels like. And i feel like i can now relate and UNDERSTAND (to a small extend) of what people go through. And i just wanted to talk about MY experience with it.
I think if i were to sum up how i was feeling during my "dark time", in one word, i'd say Lonely. 
I've always been very attached to my husband Jeff. And "needy" for his attention and comfort. I've never viewed it as a bad thing because it wasnt that bad. I also had my independence that i needed and wanted.

Well, get pregnancy hormones in my veins, and i guess it got BAD. My needyness. Jeff was working long hours due to being short employees at his job (they never seem to be able to keep employees). He has to BE TO work at 3:30am, and works till about 4pm. OCCASIONALLY 5&6pm. He comes home exhausted and goes to bed at 8pm to be able to wake up at 2:45am the next day.

I sat home all day, every day, feeling sad, lonely, and worthless. I always explained to jeff that its just hard to not have adult interaction. We live about 40 minutes away from all my family and majority of my friends. We live off a tight budget, and driving that far often REALLY drains our gas tank and makes gas expenses more, leaving less money for food. (in case you're wondering WHY i sit home all day).

I'd sit here and PITY myself (this is all hard to admit cuz NOW i see how silly it was. But thats depression for ya). I had no realistic reasons to base my feelings off of but i just felt like i had no one. (when mean while i had about 5 close friends i could turn to, and all i had to do was open up to them). But instead, i sat and pittied myself. Makes no sense. But at the time.. i was just drowning in hurt and couldnt be realistic.

Id dwell on the past.. I felt like i was back in high school again. I'd see my friends having a great time with each other. Everywhere i looked, i was reminded by pictures and posts that everyone was having a blast, and here i sat, alone.

Last pregnancy, all my closest friends were pregnant with me. This time... im the only one. That just added to the lonely, singled out feeling. (i laughed as i typed this out).

[[KEEP IN MIND I WAS NOT IN THE RIGHT MIND SET]] It was NO ONE'S fault but my own. I didnt tell anyone what i was going through. Well i told one person but not in detail. They had no clue the DEPTH of my feelings. I didnt make as many efforts as i should have.

I am thrilled to feel like i am back to reality (in a still pregnant and emotional type of way).
I can laugh at how ridiculous i was being.
I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that Jeff didnt work as much this last week. The weather has been nice so we go to the park a lot and play in the water. But i REALLY have to thank my awesome friends who are PUTTING up with my craziness :)

This "depression" thing has been BY FAR the craziest adventure so far.
And this blog is my journal.
So there you go.
Its now on record for me to look back at and laugh at myself :)

But for real. Depression is a SERIOUS thing. Get the help you need if you feel like you suffer with it. My heart goes out to anyone who deal with it and i'd LOVE to help you in any way i can.
My husband deals with depression and is on meds, and i so i know first hand at how understanding, accepting, and loving you have to be with it :).
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