Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Im A Liar.........

"Do you know what its like to be your own worst
enemy? The one who see's the things inside that you hide?" -Skillet

"Im at war with the world and its trying to pull me into the dark.
Im at war with the world cuz i will never sell my soul" -Skillet

No, that isnt a trick tittle. I mean what i say.
I was going to vlog this but i just get too emotional and would end up looking more like an idiot.

I mentioned in yesterdays vlog that ive become this emotional wreck with this pregnancy. And well, you know me, i blog it all. I might get some flack for this, but this is MY blog. You dont have to read what i have to say here in my space on the internet, and i can write whatever i want to write about.
Ok, lets move on.

Ive always been AMAZING at wearing a mask. You know, not letting things show when im upset. Im the type of girl who puts a smile on even when i want to do anything BUT smile. What i mean is when certain situations happen, i pretend im not effected. I pretend im ok. And after a while, all the pretending becomes real.

Even with blogging, i have a lot of readers, and i get a lot of emails that people look up to me, that i motivate them, that ive helped them. Im no role model, but i feel like i need to set an example almost? And i hate blogging the negative stuff, like i might be letting people down. So i find myself pretending to be stronger then i really am, and holding back from things i really want to say or post about.

But with this pregnancy, im not able to wear the mask anymore.
My walls have crumbled around me and im left with just me.
The REAL me, with all my REAL feelings.

If you know me, you know that im one of the most positive outgoing people out there. I LOVE helping others, im all about bringing others up and making them feel good. I put others before myself ALL the time. I hide my own feelings to protect others. But you can only bottle yourself up for so long ya know? I take the hits like a champ and dont fight back in fear of hurting others. I am not the type to retaliate and throw knives back just as fast as they are thrown at me. And to be honest, i dont think that is a bad quality, but what IS bad, is that i dont deal with all the bottled hurt and pain.

And i think what hurts the most, is that im this motivator, this positive person, the one who picks people up. But the moment im down in the dumps and might be a little but ridiculous, thats when people leave my side. Thats when people choose to be the most hurtful. Ya know, the "kick me when im down" type thing. Maybe its just all in my head, but i feel like i get frowned upon and rejected when im not at my best. So i try to be the best, i try to hide the real emotions. Fake it till you make it.

If im upset, i DO NOT play the pity card and sit and sulk. What i normally do, is ignore the problem. I move on. I continue doing things that make me happy. I surround myself with people who make me happy. I cling to my husband and family. 

But now, for whatever reason, im unable to mask it all. Im just DEALING. Im left dwelling on the what if's. When the hits and stabs come, i have no more armor, my walls are down. All im left with now is just the hurt. The pain has become REAL. I have to no where to run anymore. Im down and on the ground with no more fight left in me.

I try to be strong. I try to stand up for things that are right.
I try to stand up for MYSELF instead of get pushed around.
I try to eliminate the negative in my life.
But i feel like it always ends up biting me in the rear more than anything.
Was it really worth it??

This is just ridiculous.. Im sure its just the pregnancy raging hormones but im just in a sad place right now for some reason. And i HATE it. Im normally so happy! Im sure it will pass soon and ill be back to my normal self. And DONT take this the wrong way, things with Jeff and our little family is PERFECT. HONESTLY things have never been better! Other things have just happened in my life and i guess im just dwelling on the hurt. I dont ONLY blog about the good stuff. I blog the not so pretty stuff too and i always keep it raw and REAL.

Basically, ive come to the realization that i need to realize im not super woman. Im not perfect. The feelings that i feel are normal and i need to deal with them. I cant ALWAYS put others before myself. I cant always pack away the things that i feel. I need just as much support as i like to give. I cant wear the masks anymore otherwise when my walls DO come down, im left with this ridiculous state of mind haha.

You cant neglect yourself.

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