Thursday, January 19, 2012

My Heart Is Hurting.....

This post is just going to be a quick ramble. Kind of a journal entry i guess. Sometimes i just want to write. Not that i have anything in particular to say but just to talk. Ive just been in this confused place lately. And my heart it hurting.

My heart is hurting and longing for another sweet child to have and to hold but my mind is so scared. Im left with the what ifs, ALL the many odds i have working against me. My 2 miscarriages i have had already. If you are new to my blog.. let me explain a few things.

In 2007 i was in my senior year of high school, age 17 (almost 18), and found out i was pregnant with my husband (fiance then). I ended up miscarrying and found out the reason was because my blood type is RH- and  my husband's blood type is RH+. If you dont know anything about that, basically if the baby's blood type isnt a negative type, my body thinks its a disease and fights it off. They have a rogham shot for that but they cant give it to you until 20 weeks i believe. So i have that issue.
Then in 2011 got pregnant and at that same time, found out i had hypothyroidism. When you find out you are pregnant you are about 5-7 weeks along. The first 5 weeks are when all your baby's organs are developing and if your thyroid is too low or too high, the organs wont develop right and you will either loose the baby, or have a disabled child. I miscarried.

I want a baby so bad. Everyone is having babies or pregnant right now and it only makes the baby hunger worse haha. Braylee will be 3 years old in almost 4 months. I dont want my children 4 years apart. 3 years apart was my goal but i was NOT going to try to get pregnant until my thyroid was under control. And in November we FINALLY found my right dose. I wanted to give it a few months to be SURE my thyroid would stay in check.

On top of it all, the one pregnancy i DID carry full term for, was SOOO hard. I was in so much pain 24/7. I had high blood pressure and was always getting dizzy, faint, i was always scared. I gained SOO much weight. I was SOO swollen. ahhh.

So now i am left in a whirlwind of emotions. Excitement to try, joy thinking about having another baby, fear of the possibilities, heartache thinking of the pain and anguish loosing a child, confusion, why me?

Of course i cant live in fear. Of course we will try for another.
I just cant handle loosing another sweet soul inside me.
I just cant do it.
I just cant.
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