Thursday, October 20, 2011

I'd Be Having a Baby Today.....

Today.

Was my baby's due date.
October 20th, 2011.

If you are new to my blog, i got pregnant in the beginning of February
(right around valentines day)
and miscarried on March 23rd.
(read about it {{HERE}} ).

My heart is aching today.
For an entire month and a half i was overjoyed and so excited to be pregnant. We had been trying for quite some time and FINALLY we got the positive test. There is just this overwhellming feeling when you are pregnant (at least in the beginning before all the misery sets in lol). To know you are carrying a child. Its so special. And to have that ripped from you is really hard.

To make matters worse, you are constantly getting poked, blood taken, ultrasounds, cramps. The docs keep saying, we just have to wait for the baby to pass on its own and if that doesnt happen we will go from there. Wait what? You mean i have to deal with seeing my baby in the toilet?

March 23rd was a really hard day. There are no words to decribe the pain of very distinctly SEEING your dead baby. Seeing very clearly that that is your baby. It was developed enough to tell very clearly. The first time i miscarried i didnt have to see that.

Its so crazy to think that i COULD be having a baby right now. I COULD be holding my sweet child in my arms and see their sweet face. I try to think positive. Like MAYBE it just wasnt the right time. MAYBE i couldnt handle 2 kids at this point in our life. MAYBE we have other things we need to accomplish before we have another baby.

I am scared to try for another baby but i definately want Braylee to have a sibbling somewhere down the road. I dont know when that time will be.

Tody is kind of a blur.

I dont understand why things turned out the way they have but one day i will. I just have to trust in Gods plan for us.

I have 2 babies looking down on me, waiting for me to return home.

And mommy cant wait to kiss your sweet faces and hold you in my arms once again.

Ill be holding Braylee extra tight today.
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