Wednesday, April 6, 2011

BIPOLAR 7 stages of grief....

Is it normal to have bipolar stages of grief??
I feel like i am constantly bouncing back and forth between disbelief, anger, acceptance etc after my miscarriage...
[if you are a new reader..i had a miscarriage at 10 weeks]

If you are unfamiliar with the stages, here they are:

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.



As you have probably read in previous posts at first i was just angry..in disbelief. Then i made a plan of being healthier and felt optimistic about waiting for our time to come. Now i am mostly stuck in this depression stage but i feel bipolar with it. I bounce back between anger and depression and denial.
I seriously get these thought of.. "What if im still pregnant?!" "But Christa you SAW the baby when it came out.. the baby is gone... get over it" "Well what if there were twins?!" "Really Christa??" "What if you for some crazy reason you miscarried, and ovulated before you knew you for sure miscarried" (the baby looked about 6 weeks along and i miscarried at 10 weeks) "Christa now you are getting ridiculous.....". YES I TALK TO MYSELF IN MY HEAD. lol

Then i get angry. Why me?! WHY IS EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG PREGNANT???!!! it makes it so much harder :(. I already had a miscarriage...WHY AGAIN??!

But im mostly depressed. I feel like im in this fog. I have a friend (whom i love dearly and i am sooo excited for her.. do not take this the wrong way i am so stoked for her and could not be happier for her). We had almost the exact same due date. Every time i see her baby ticker or her adorable little bump i cant help but think... im supposed to be at that point. im supposed to have a bump. Im supposed to be sharing this experience with her. I still have people ask me how far along i am not or they predict what my baby will be. A lady from work keeps telling me "oh you are having a boy cuz you are gaining no weight at all", Its like a knife every time reminding me that my baby is gone. Its happened 3 times now and i cant seem to get the words out to tell her cuz there are always other people around and the subject is quickly changed and i dont want to change the subject back. so i just avoid it.

I sometimes feel like im in the reconstructive phase with trying to get healthier and save money and prepare for our time.

Then some days i truly feel at peace with it and that my time will come. But those days are short lived.

i cant wait to hit that acceptance and hope phase and be done with all my bipolar emotions. LIKE FOR REAL. i feel like a crazy person lol.
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