Thursday, March 24, 2011

My baby is gone...

I contemplated all day about whether i should blog about this or not. But when i got to thinking about it the only things i was worried about is what people would think of me or how people would judge me or if people would think i was psychotic but guess what...screw all of you who will put me down over anything i am about to say. This is MY blog, MY journal, MY life, and MY feelings.

Before i say anything i will give the warnings. I am going through alot of different emotions. And do not read if you get easily queezy.

So today i got my blood work. Im 10 weeks along. I will get the results tomorrow on whether my HCG levels have gone down or up but i already know the answer. How?

Yesterday, March 23rd, i passed the baby....... you might ask how i know this. I know because i saw it. I started cramping SO bad. The cramps came and went. I took some ibuprofin. I got bad back pains. Then i started bleeding (like poring blood out of me). I wont get into too much detail but the baby came out. You might wonder how i knew it was the baby. Ill try to explain in the least TMI way i can. Basically i just knew. It looked like placenta tissue. There was a yellow bubble looking thing filled with fluid (the yolk sac) and i just SAW the baby..

When i got home from my doc appointment.. I lost it. I think all the emotions ive been keeping inside have finally burst. Its been a rough day.

 I googled a picture of what my baby looked like.

Judging from the development the baby was about 6 weeks old. I started bleeding at 7 weeks. Why did it take 4 weeks to discharge?? I could see the head, eye, heart, spine and a little leg bud. I called Jeff bawling and luckily he was almost off work and rushed home to comfort me. He is the best man alive. I couldnt go through this without him.

Now for the emotional stuff.
I think at this point i am kind of angry. WHY?? Why me? i already went through this once. I know what its like. I had my life lesson on it. Why again?? This pregnancy was PLANNED! we wanted this. We tried for 4 months. If it wasnt our time then why let me get pregnant?! Why let it happen and take it away?! No i am NOT blaming god AT ALL. i just believe everything happens for a reason and im just not understanding it right now.
It makes me angry knowing that girls get pregnant and abort it, starve themselves, arent healthy, smoke, do drugs, dont take their vitamins, drink alcohol, etc and their baby's are fine (i am NOT pointing fingers or saying anyone i know does this im just saying there ARE situations like this out there, everyone knows this). Then i take suppliments before i even got prego, took my vitamins religously, drank lots of water, ate even when i wasnt hungry, put my baby first, and i still lost it.
Did i do something wrong?? Was i working out too much? i only worked out 2 maybe 3 times a week. i thought you're supposed to work out? was it my thyroid? was it cuz i slept on my stomach a couple times? was it my blood type? Was i too woried about wanting a normal pregnancy? Did this happen to make me appreciate being pregnant at all regardless of how sucky pregnancy can be??

Then i think about all the people who lose babies when they are farther along, or children that are already born, and i feel selfish for being so upset. I know a loss is a loss and its only human to have a hard time with it. Im just not understanding life right now.......

Its just not fair

i should have my little baby inside my belly growing..

Im not blogging about this for attention, its just therapy for me, and if i can help one person out there by sharing my story then it was worth it.
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