Saturday, February 19, 2011


Everyone goes through their, "WHO AM I" phase. All teenagers go through their stage of "finding" themself or "accepting" who they are. For some it comes easily, others really struggle with it. Some make many mistakes and others hide. Well I too went through my finding myself stage but i think with me it was more of trying to EXPLAIN how i am. For the longest time i have struggled with trying to explain myself. Sometimes ive felt like there was something wrong with me. I would get angry with myself. I tried to blame it on my zodiac sign (Gemini).
But Now, im content with myself and wouldnt have it any other way :)  So let me explain myself to you in ONE word. NEUTRAL. Now let me elaborate

Gemini's are often categorized as "two faces" or "split personality". Well i categorize me as balanced. Im the best of both worlds. Im very outgoing, but very shy. Im very loud, but very quiet. I can be really mean (not very often) and am mostly really nice. I can be very opinionated, and bite my tongue. Im a fighter, and im a peacemaker. I can be really aggressive, and really passive. Well you get the point.

If im in a situation with a person who likes to take charge, i become more passive. In a situation of a more passive person, i take charge. If im with a more neutral person or (white) personality..well that could be a disaster haha.

When i take the personality test or the "what color are you" test. i get white. (take a personality test here) white personality is described in a nutshell as the peacemaker. avoids conflict. wants to flow through life without hassle or discomfort. whites need kindness. respond to thoughtfulness. They are strong, silent stubbornness that surfaces when they are treated unkind. they resent being scolded. dislike harsh words. sensitive. motivated by kindness and cant understand why people are unkind. whites recoil from those who are unkind. Whites prefer QUIET STRENGTH. Those who misinterpret the peace-loving nature of a White as an invitation to be demanding and bossy will soon meet a wall of passive resistance (basically meaning whites get TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF and are PUSHED around and those who do that will get the wrath of Christa :) Whites are tougher than people think. They need to be coaxed to talk about their skills, hobbies, and interests. Unlike Reds and Blues, who want to control others, Whites seek only to avoid being controlled. They simply refuse to be under another's thumb, especially when treated without the respect they feel they deserve (hence why i am upset with my job. NO RESPECT there). Whites want to do things their own way, in their own time. They often comply with unreasonable demands just to keep peace. They will express their anger and frustration only when they can no longer stand being bossed around. Whites don't like to be pushed, and they can be fearsome when they finally blow up. whites are People pleasers. They are interested in making sure the other person has a good time, and are willing to do whatever the other person wants. Whites, however, want suggestions-not demands.

This pretty much describes me to a T. But to get back to my point. Because of my neutral personality, i tend to get taken advantage of and walked on. Sometimes its hard. Sometimes i feel like i am constantly putting myself and my wants down or lowest on the totem pole and it gets hard but i cant help it, other people's (close people) happiness is more important to me. But trust me, after a while, all that built up suppression eventually comes out and i get in my "F.U" mode haha.
Anyway... this is just my acceptance and finally coming to terms with myself. i finally dont feel like im "indecisive" of the type of person i am. Yea i want to be the strong willed, strong headed, "BAD A" type personality who handles it on their own and is "tough", but i also (and mostly) am that CHILL person. The person who keeps quiet to keep the peace. But TRUST ME, i dont keep quiet because im weak, it almost makes me stronger than the "big mouth" people, because i can control myself. i want to be that IDEAL friend who is caring and nurturing and always puts you first. The friend who truly LISTENS to you and is compassionate.

So no im not a split personality, no im not "coming into my own". Im not FAKE trying to be something that im not...the fact of the matter is.. i AM all the things that i want to be... ladies and gentlemen... im BALANCED and NEUTRAL. :) and i love it

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