Sunday, November 14, 2010

Due date. November 14, 2007

This is intense stuff so dont read if you know you are going to think im telling too much info. this is my diary, my way to get out what i keep bottled up. no haters please.

anyway........


Today....would be the birthday of my 3 year old child....



its so weird to think that i would have a 3 year old right now. honestly it makes me sad. im crying right now. But i know everything happens for a reason and that it was for the best.

Ive kinda mentioned it before but i got pregnant when i was 17. I was still in high school. Jeff was working at a tire shop. We were just anything but ready to have a baby. My family is LDS and it was really hard to tell my family and disappoint my mom. Jeff came with me to tell them all and let me tell you...i almost pooped my pants.

i just remember crying all the time....day in and day out. I felt like such a failure and such a disappointment. I was scared. Jeff and his family were really supportive but i still was just so scared. I got really attached to my baby. I felt so alone. i would drift through school with no one to talk to and everything was such a blur. i would go to bed at night and cry myself to sleep rubbing my belly saying "everything will be ok baby".

When i was about 12 weeks along i think, i started bleeding. I went to the doctor and they couldn't find a heart beat. The baby had stopped developing. They told me that i probably miscarried due to my blood type. im B- and jeff is A+. Basically if the baby has a + blood type my body thinks its a disease and fights it off. They have a shot but you cant get it till like 15 or 20 weeks. i cant remember but it wouldnt have mattered cuz i wasnt aware of my blood type being an issue. (Braylee is b- like me).

I passed the baby on my own like a normal menstrual cycle. i didn't need a DNC done (i think thats what its called). It was really hard cuz i knew when the baby came out. I knew it was my baby. I had to pull it out. It was hard cuz i handled it all on my own. i didn't tell anyone what had happened. only jeff. it was alot of emotion to keep bottled up.

Even though i knew it was for the better, it was still hard to deal with.

Anyway... we love you baby! i know you smile down at us and watch your baby sister grow :) 
you are forever in my heart
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