Saturday, October 23, 2010

day 3!

Something you have to forgive yourself for.......

hmmmm....this is a hard one.
i really dont think there is anything.
i know ive made mistakes but all my mistakes have got me to where i am today and i dont regret them.

ok, after 10 min of thinking i thought of something.

When i turned 8 i started to get REALLY chubby
i got made fun of in elementary school, had a boy tell me that belts were meant to hold fat in and mine wasn't working..things like that. i moved to a new city when i was 12 and started junior high school. I didn't know anyone and felt really stupid eating lunch by myself so i would go into the bathroom, put my feet up on the toilet and eat lunch :( true story. (by the way, thank you Michelle for being my fist friend and making me feel better!). Well i started to be more active with P.E. class and running. Running became my love.

when i was 16, thats when boys became more important and i had never had a boyfriend and had really low self esteem. Well.... only few people know this.... and its kinda hard to publicly announce this knowing who reads my blogs but anyway... i kinda stopped eating. I would wake up for school, skip breakfast, not eat lunch at school, come home and kinda snack till i went to bed. If i did eat that day, i would feel SOOO guilty and make myself throw up. I was really sick. but i STILL thought i was soooo fat. This went on for a while of barely eating or throwing up.

this is me when i was 17, i look sad and sick huh...

nothin but bones :(

Well i got pregnant when i 17 and had another life to think of so i started eating. (i miscarried that baby probably cuz my body wasn't healthy and my blood type is B- jeff is A+. so basically if the baby's blood is positive my body thinks its a disease and fights it off). anyway, from then on i have never starved myself. i still struggled with it alot but i can honestly say today it isn't an issue at all. get to my point...
i have to forgive myself for waisting sooo much time being unhappy when i should have been happy. I should have been myself and been outgoing and made friends and not cared what people think. I look back on pictures and i was NOT fat. Even when i married jeff i was well past my eating disorder days and gained about 20 pounds after getting married and i thought i was so fat and chubby....i look back and OH MAN WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO GET BACK TO THAT! i waisted soooooo much time worrying over the stupidest thing!

i hear girls that are younger complaining they are SO fat and their lives revolve around working out and dieting and thinking they are fat and my heart just cries out for them! DONT DO THIS! you will realize one day and wish you could change it just like i do now... but i guess teenagers have to learn the hard way right?? haha.

anyway, sorry to make a big story out of this haha.

oh man i am nervous to post this.... :(
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